My father has cancer…

About six months ago my brother and I decided it was time to go to Florida and talk to our father about why he had decided to completely cut us from his life…It had been about six years since we had any contact with him. So we arrived unannounced at his front door…I was going to confront George Braswell The scariest man I have every known.

He had never physically hurt me…but he was a big man with a bad temper, he hurtful words over the years were still ringing in my ears (even as I stood there 43 years after I first called him Daddy). Really why was I so afraid of him?

The only question I wanted an answer to was “Do you love me?” His answer was “No.”

That was what I had always been afraid of, but hadn’t realized until that very moment. From the moment I heard him say “I will always love you, I will be your Daddy and you will be my princess”

Most likely that why I have had both silly and sensible fears of so very many things. Driving, mix masters, escalators, sewing machines…heights, caves, bats…”J” walking…men…

But in those few days I decided I refuse to never be afraid again.

Now I let the door shut when I go into the storage closet at work…I dreamed of riding in one of those little planes…I plan to sky drive and jump off a bridge…

I rode a Ferris wheel. I went to NY on a ferry and rode the subways…OK I felt like throwing up but I did it anyway.

I almost drove to Connecticut. Realized I need to work on that one but knew I could handle it one day…baby steps (maybe I will ride the Dominator before I go sky diving.)

I am not afraid of living and I am not afraid of dying.

But when my hero called me…

I wrapped myself in my blanket…I am afraid.

My hero has cancer. My father is not my hero.

A daughter is a gift of love.

There are so many moment in a persons life that seemed to forever vivid, forever clear. If you are over the age of 3 or 4 you all know this is true. So many that I could recount them for days (ask my boys they know this is very true.) But four of the sweetest memories are those that bonded me forever to my children.

My first born, Jason Scott, so amazing and beautiful. Perfect. A new love of my life.

Samantha Joy, A porcelain baby, the girl I always wanted. Such a sweet moment as I knew she would forever change the world with that beautiful face.

Obadiah David, running off that plane and jumping into my arms. The first word I heard him shout was “Mama”. This skinny child with the most amazing smile was so right, from that moment on I was his Mama.

Georgia Melody, she danced into my heart the moment a woman put her into my arms and told me ‘go ahead…she’s yours.’ She has been dancing ever since.

My Georgia Bean is the subject of my rambling prose today. Because today is her birthday! Sit still for a minite and she will tell you she has hit the double digits! Today was also the first day she wouldn’t let me kiss her in front of her friends (I knew it would happen eventually, but still I wished…)

Let us for just a moment go back to 1991… We had our little family (2 boys and a girl) when one day I was standing at the kitchen sink (that seems to be a place of revelation for me) I knew then that we would have one more child! I already knew that there would be no more homemade babies and I already had a heart made child. The next would be a child of prayer (and hopefully not a boy!) That night I told Garry that one day we would have four children…I was laughed at!!! Our hands were full and the bank account was empty. The next morning he looked at me and sighed…’Dawn we are going to end up with four children.’ (apparently the bedroom is his place of revelation)

At this point we had one 14 year old sleeping in the guest room, but we knew that would be temporary. For the next 10 years 17 more children of all ages would be in and out of our home and lives. We were not meant to keep any of them. About this time I was getting frustrated where was this little girl God had promised to me?

Georgia Melody, she danced into my heart the moment a woman put her into my arms and told me ‘go ahead…she’s yours.’ She has been dancing ever since. Ten years I waited for this beautiful girl and now I have had ten years of one great big party that never ends… I have learned that while I don’t understand girls it isn’t necessary to understand my daughter’s dance… just enjoy it!!!
Happy birthday George…let’s dance until my shoes wear out!


A daughter is a gift of love.

What happened?

This morning planned look over all the essays I have written over the last few months. I would make sure that I didn’t repeat any. I expected to see each one…with the run on sentences and photo art (matching each entry so as to draw my reader in). This morning I might read each over and decide what to submit for publication or to just leave to dwell in cyberspace. I was hoping to glance through the months of publishable thoughts and decide if today I would write of purple cows or what not to wear.

I expected to review essays about…
Bugs and babies
State of the union
State of the clan

What happened? Was my blog hacked? Was someone else going to receive those royalty checks?

My essays about…
A man hitting a quarter of a century
The rest of the Wedding.
Daddy Vs Daddy

When exactly did my computer crash?
Profound thoughts about…
True friends you can trust
Or you can cry on
Or just smile at knowing they can’t understand it all?

Could it be that I forgot to hit save?
Musings on…
Lunch with family
Dinner with family
Breakfast with family

Did my hard drive catch another cold?
Christmas lights in February
The perfect sandwiches
Becoming a mufti-millionaire virtual farmer

How can I possibility rewrite when new thoughts are pouring in faster than I could rethink the old?
Kelly and Julie
Now you’re older…elder
Jersey girls and gas!!
Scrap blankets
Vomiting in the morning
Diaper funerals

Can my reader faithful handle another bout of manic daily prose?
Bucket list
Be not afraid
The hair, the hugs, the look

Or is it like I knew in my heart…I once again have let my dreams be just those …dreams.

(Sigh)