MY JONATHAN

1 Samuel 20
"Jonathan, out of his deep love for David, made a covenant with him. He formalized it with solemn gifts: his own royal robe and weapons—armor, sword, bow, and belt."
"Jonathan repeated his pledge of love and friendship for David. He loved David more than his own soul!"
2 Samuel 1:26
O my dear brother Jonathan, I'm crushed by your death. Your friendship was a miracle-wonder, love far exceeding anything I've known— or ever hope to know. (David)



At Wednesday night's 'School of the Bible' we have been studying "11 indispensable relationships you can't be without" by Leonard Sweet. Chapter two explores 'Who's your Jonathan’, your true friend. This gave me many 'Thoughts For The Week', thoughts of a lifetime. Maybe your have already guessed what these thoughts might be. You may know that "indispensable" can not begin to describe this relationship. But on the off chance that these thoughts are news to you, I will continue.

My Jonathan, my true friend promised me so much....

"I ... take you ... to be my wife,
I promise to be true to you,
To love you,
To share with you all that I have
I will try to help you to grow
to be more fully yourself,
I ask that you be patient with me,
I will love you
In good times and in bad times
In times that we have much,
In times that we have little
I will honor you and cherish you
As long as we both shall live.
I love you."

.... he has kept those promises...

'A Jonathan walks with you in all seasons...'*
I read that 80% of couples with a sick or disabled child will divorce. (I never went in for statistics. I am to left brain for that) in 1988 after only three years of marriage, Samantha joined us. Blind, stiff, always in pain, with frightening seizures, unable to comfort, not wanting our touch.
I was trained to care for Sammi; I'd worked as a nurse in a Hospital\Home for children just like my daughter. But my Jonathan, my true friend had no idea what was in store for us! Twenty years of diapers and wipes, heavy duty laundry soap. Couches and carpets were now disposable, coffee tables dangerous. Co-pays he didn't know how to pay and his partner no longer able to contribute to the budget.
He never stopped to think...it's not my job to change her diaper. Instead he let our son know that he could and should now help because he was a man.

'...like (in) the winter of your discontent, when a miasma of gloom settles like a fog around your soul...'*

I've heard that 80% of men leave when one of the children is out of control. A runaway, a thief, addicted to booze and drugs, in jail, homeless, angry and hurt. Together we told our teenager to leave, but more than once my Jonathan has offered him our home again. He would do what he knew was right. My Jonathan, my true friend, protected our family the best he could with both a gentle and tough love.

'A Jonathan believes in you when no one else does.'*
Most likely 80% of husbands would not tolerate their wife’s 'calling' to bring home every baby, child, teenagers, or adult, she thought needed help. Not to mention dog, cat, rodent or reptile. My Jonathan, my true friend, looked into his heart and saw it was a 'calling' they both shared. He has opened our home to eighteen children (two homemade), a few Adults, and a menagerie of assorted pets. (That he tried his best to ignore) Some for as little as two weeks and a couple for the duration. Even when we were surrounded by eight children (four in diapers), he never forgot his promise. There may have been a few days of exasperation and exhaustion but even last month he was s still saying 'sure' when it looked like seven more would be showing up soon.

'A Jonathan stanches the internal bleeding from your blanched body when depression...drains the life from your soul.'*

I think that about 80% of those guys whose wives were Bi-polar would skip town. My Jonathan, my true friend, stood by me and helped me to stand. When I could barely leave the couch, care for the kids, or myself. When the mania moved from feelings of high energy, creativity, and productiveness...to out of control spending, loving, hating, and a mind cycling round and round like a hamster on a wheel. Finally a blur of symptoms both high and low at the same time. Instead of leaving he tried yelling, pushing, whispering... anything it took until I would admit that I suffered from the same illness that shaped the lives of my Grandmother and all her children.

'A Jonathan gives and gives and wants no payment.'*

My Jonathan, my true friend, hasn't stood by me because of a sense of obligation. Not just because he is a Godly man, honorable man, or just because he takes his vows seriously.

'A Jonathan has seen you naked, in all your treachery and lechery, at your most heinous and most luminous, and loves you anyway.'*

My Jonathan, my husband, stands with me because he is my true fiend. He is my best friend. Because every time I look at him with bewilderment (why?) he always replies 'because I love you.'
... Your friendship was a miracle-wonder, love far exceeding anything I've known— or ever hope to know.... (David) 2Samuel 1:26
Dawn Marie

I may repeat this often...not my favorate but important!

I wrote this in January 2010...

have several ‘ramblings’ on the back burner of my twisting spinning overactive mind. I write in my head all the time. It can be quite annoying, yet posting seems to calm the unspoken thoughts inside me!! But all too often as I write I know it will never be enough, that these demons will never quiet. They will never leave me alone, there is just too much to share…there is just to much that shouldn’t be shared…there is just to much that can never be shared.
Shush now. Monday…

“Bi Polar…It is what you have, not what you are”. This has been told to me by one of my closest friends more than once. I have never quite understood this statement because I have dealt with it almost all of my life. It is what I am.

It is what so many in my family have been for generations. I couldn’t have just started with Grandma or my natural father. What about Great grandparents? Great-great Grandparents? I know very little past two generations. Aunts, Uncles, cousins, siblings…is it what they have or who they are?

Yet, why am I Bi polar and Duane is not? It is on both sides of the family. Oh lord, Please protect our children…our grandchildren and their children. I have seen it skip generations. Cousins without…daughters with. This side of heaven I may never know. But wouldn’t it be amazing if the gene could be fond and quieted for them. Yes it is what I have. A disease, hereditary, chemical, controllable... but not curable. Tuesday

It is what I am? Bi Polar. My Doctor told me, ‘if you must have a mental disease than this is the one to have.’ So many creative, talented, successful people are Bi polar. This is a short list that I have edited for space… (I took out most athletes and politicians ‘cause I just don’t care!)

Buzz Aldrin, astronaut
Hans Christian Andersen, writer
Ned Beatty, actor
Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821), general
Tim Burton, artist, movie director
Jim Carrey, actor
Agatha Christie, mystery writer
Winston Churchill, 1874-1965
Francis Ford Coppola, director
Emily Dickinson
Patty Duke (Anna Duke Pearce), actor, writer
T S Eliot, poet
Ralph Waldo Emerson, essayist
Carrie Fisher, writer, actor
Robert Frost
F Scott Fitzgerald, author
Larry Flynt, magazine publisher
Sigmund Freud, physician
Cary Grant, actor
Shecky Greene, comedian, actor
Mark Twain, author

Is this why I want to be a writer…an artist? Is this why my house is purple and there is a duck butt in my living room? Is this why I love my bright orange burlap tunic with my pink pants?

About four years ago I came out of the mental illness closet. I hope at least one of you was surprised?! This took three days so technically I have kept to my goal of writing every day (except Sunday). I suspect I will have to write more on this subject…so much to share!

Re-write...new ending!

I wrote.... 8\2008
This morning I started thinking about getting a tattoo. I want a heart broken in four pieces & stitched together...and a vine with 4 yellow rose buds! I quickly sketched it and knew it was perfect.
When I showed this to Jason, he couldn't understand. I explained that as much as a mother loves her babies, they have broken her heart! This is the way is meant to be, but it is her love that stitches it together.
Four yellow rose buds, my four children. Yellow roses have always meant love to me, they are my flower. Three on top and below. The one that is separate is the one who needs me at any moment.

Obadiah
A child crying in my arms because I have told him that his father is not coming to get him as he promised.
A man so broken by the world...so confused and angry...My heart is breaks for him.
I can only pray and love him.

Jason
A child kneeling at my side praying for his sister so, young he can't understand.
A man fallen in love with a women other than me. Becoming a man and leaving his mother.
I can only pray and love him.

Samantha Joy
A child in my arm crying because everything that touches her causes her pain.
A woman, my heart breaks, knowing one day her seizures could lead to her dieing in my arms or worst yet…I will not be there to hold her.
I can only pray and love her.

Georgia Melody
A child of six tearfully asking me "Why didn't she want me?" (Her birth mother)
A woman one day breaking my heart leaving her, because I have learned that this is the way it is suppose to be.
I can only pray and love her.

Yes this is the tattoo I would get.


Dawn Marie

This is the first essay I put out there…this is the first oil painting I did…And this afternoon this was the first tattoo I got! (AND ONLY!)

Mama and Mama

“Hey Mama, Happy Easter!” I love this kid he always calls me on the holidays. Never collect even if he has to beg on the street for the money. I tell him it is OK but he won’t.

“Did they give you special permission to call because it is Easter?” Rehab won’t let him call or write until 3 months in. They did not make an exception this time.

“It will be OK Mama, I’ll stay sober this time!” With a silent tear and prayer we talk about life and love. Past joys and sorrows, who is doing what, what is the same and who is different.

“Mama, can I still come out for the wedding?” I love my kid. I don’t know if he will ever know how much. He didn’t need to ask, it is his brother’s wedding. We are family.

“Bye Mama, It will all work out!” Oh Sunshine, one day at a time. Mama…one day at a time.

Easter already?

I have a Holiday Tree. I have boxes full of stuff to hang on this tree all year round. I used to even hang Furbees on it in August as the poor month lacked its own holiday. Why then is it Good Friday and as of 7am the tree still is covered with snowmen (January)? I have no eggs, no baskets, chocolate bunnies, spring dresses, ham, or people to cook and serve ham.
But I do have two grown children and an eight year old…..well got to go!

NOT MY DADDY

One of the perks of being a Blogger (not getting paid) is that you get to repeat old pieces from different venues. This one goes with the painting “Colors of Cyril”.

He died just a little over 9 years ago. What I miss the most is the “what could have been’.
Did he understand when we told him that “I did the best I could.” was not acceptable.
Did he believe us when we told him we forgive him? Did he accept the message of God’s love, forgiveness and grace?
We all cried. We embraced the brothers and sisters we never knew, we worried about the one who wouldn’t come, the one that couldn’t come and the one that didn’t know. Together we spread his ashes.
Did he smile at the thought that we all turned out all right? Did he regret that he didn’t see it happen?
He was my father, not my Daddy. He was an artist and a writer. He was an abuser and abused. He was a drug addict and an alcoholic. He was Bi Polar. He was good at multiplying (12-22 kids). He is part of me. He is part of who I am. Some of the good. Some of the bad?

When he died his mother gave me some of his poems. This one we all wrote together over the phone.


DID I / YES I DID /
YES THAT TOO / AND THAT /
NO I DON’T HAVE AN EXCUSE /
YES / I KNOW THAT IF I DID
THERE’S NO ONE LEFT
TO GIVE IT TO / YES / YES /
SORRY DOESN’T EVEN WORK FOR MYSELF /
WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE
IT MIGHT WORK FOR YOU

CYRIL